Period IV — From May 1742 to February 1743
(continued from page 43)
I had some ups and downs after this, till the sixth of February, 1743; which being the Sabbath Day, I went to our parish church, and the minister showing that it was the people’s duty to attend the courts of God’s house, in corroboration of which he cited Exodus 25:22, “There will I meet with thee, and there will I commune with thee from above the mercy-seat,” etc. I was glad that I was in the place where God promised to meet with them. My heart warmed with love to God. When I came home my heart was greatly enlarged and my thoughts fired: but found that woeful enemy self to be increasing in my heart. This is the enemy that mingles water with my wine continually. It robbed God of the glory of His grace, and me of the comfort which I might have enjoyed.
The same evening after going to bed I began to meditate on those things which the Lord had done for my soul, and found great composure of mind. My meditations consisted chiefly in viewing my state by nature; and the miseries which attended me while I continued therein; and also the many dangers to which I was exposed; and lastly, how helpless and hopeless I was in myself.
I made the following Scripture for some time the subject of my meditations: “None eye pitied thee to do any of these unto thee, to have compassion upon thee; but thou wast cast out in the open field, to the loathing of thy person, in the day that thou wast born. And when I passed by thee, and saw thee polluted in thine own blood, I said unto thee, when thou wast in thy blood, Live; yea, I said unto thee, when thou wast in thy blood, Live” (Ezek. 16:5, 6). O the love I saw expressed in this chapter is far beyond anything I can express! When I saw, as it were, the compassionate Jesus passing by me when wallowing in my own blood, and saying unto me, Live. This time was indeed a time of love to me, a vile worm. When He saw me bound in the pit, wherein there was no water, He set me free by the blood of the everlasting covenant. O boundless love! I only draw a veil over it when I begin to speak upon the subject. O my soul, come and be swallowed up in admiring this love; this boundless love to thee the chief of sinners! O my soul, wonder at the freeness of it! Free, without any merit. O my soul, was it anything He saw in thee that made Him to love thee? and not only love thee, but take thee to Himself in a marriage covenant! Be astonished, O ye heavens, at this love! O ye angels! behold the wonderful match. O ye saints and redeemed of the Lord, whose near and peculiar privilege it is, not only to view the match, but to be the bride, the Lamb’s wife! O come and view the love that is between you and your husband! “For thy Maker is thy husband; the Lord of Hosts in his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; the God of the whole earth shall he be called” (Isaiah 54:5). O my soul! be ashamed to meet such an husband in the filthy rags of thy own righteousness; accept of the robe which is offered to thee in the gospel; for it is that robe and none other that will render thee acceptable in the sight of God.
The same night I was so much taken up in admiring the love of God in Christ, that sleep departed from mine eyes; I never had such a night before. In the morning I went into the fields to pray, and to praise God for what He had done for my soul. If there be joy in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, O what must be the joy of the sinner himself! My joy was unspeakable and full of glory, for the peace of God which passeth understanding filled my heart. After I came home to the house, and had read the 103rd and 104th Psalms, I thought that I could join with the Psalmist in calling upon every thing that had a being to praise the Lord. “The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance; the lines are fallen unto me in pleasant place Yea, I have a goodly heritage.”
I was constrained by this love to give up my soul to the Lord, who had purchased it at such a dear rate. The thoughts of returning to an ensnaring world, and a tempting devil, were very burdensome to me. I said, alas! alas! I’ll be obliged to sit down again by the river of Babylon and weep; and hang my harp upon the willows with the rest of my brethren. But blessed be the name of the Lord, who hath given me this meal to encourage me in my journey.
When I was writing these things, I was sometimes so taken up in admiring, that I could not write any at all; and at other times I was all in a flood of tears; for, whenever I looked on Him whom I pierced, I mourned, and could not contain myself more than snow before the sun. I found great difference between this and my former legal mourning. The former was pressed by the voice and arguments, but this was free and genuine. I found a weight of love overcoming my heart; and thought that all the faculties of my soul were like the inside of a watch, all moving quick; for the words of Christ were spirit and life (John 6:63).
The following morning I went out to meditate in the fields, my soul being filled with love to God, and meditating good matter. The wind blew indeed upon my garden, and the spices thereof were made to flow out. After prayer I began to look to those places where I was wont to seek the Lord in secret, and said, “O my soul, look at the place where thou used to mourn for an absent God; view it now to be a Bethel, where thou are enjoying communion with Him!” Again, O my soul, view this place where thou wert walking in the depths of darkness; view it now to be the place where the Sun of Righteousness, that shines in the highest firmament of glory, has dispelled the clouds, and shines into thy soul, and makes thee to walk in the light of His countenance! O my soul, view the place where thou wert once filled with distracting thoughts; view it now when these thoughts are gathered in and placed on the everlasting object and admiration of saints and angels, even the Lord Jesus Christ! These views were unspeakable, and more in number than I can write.
Sabbath evening, 6th February, 1743, was a night much to be had in remembrance by me all the days of my life. And I enjoyed sweet composure of mind till Thursday night thereafter, when a veil was drawn over these things, to teach me that I was to live by faith and not by sense. Satan and an evil heart of unbelief made a terrible attempt to induce me to burn everything I have written, saying, that should anyone see it, it would increase my condemnation in hell. But glory to God who rebuked the enemy, and kept me from burning the special tokens of His love which He had given me. I was also helped to look to Jesus, and to expect greater things than I had as yet seen.
I enjoyed much of the Lord’s presence in every duty, but, on the 22nd of February, when I was going to prayer, was, in an especial manner, filled with wonderful admiration at the freeness of Divine grace to me the vilest of His creatures. And while meditating on these things, this Scripture came into my mind with overpowering sweetness: “Who art thou, O great mountain? before Zerubbabel thou shalt become a plain; and he shall bring forth the head-stone thereof with shoutings, crying, Grace, grace unto it.” Who art thou, O great mountain of iniquity? before the Lord Jesus Christ thou shalt become a plain. Who art thou, O great monster of wickedness and filthiness, whom this grace cannot cleanse? Who art thou, O hard-hearted sinner, whom this grace cannot soften? Oh! this wonderful sovereign grace, free grace, which reachest to a bloodthirsty Manasseh, and a persecuting Saul, and to me the chief of sinners. Who art thou, O dead sinner, whom this grace cannot quicken? Who art thou, O captive sinner whom this grace cannot set free? Who art thou, O poor sinner, whom this grace cannot enrich? etc.
Oh! my soul, come and admire this sovereign grace, which pulls down the strongholds of Satan, and every imagination that exalteth itself, to the obedience of Christ. Here is an ocean that swallows up all my thoughts, for what can a finite creature comprehend of that which is infinite? O thou my soul, wait patiently on the Lord, and be always looking out for the coming of the head-stone with shouting; yea, with the shout of the archangel, and sound of the last trumpet, calling to thee to arise out of thy dust, to cry Grace, grace unto it. O my soul look unto this living corner-stone, “which the builders rejected; the same is become the head of the corner!” O my soul, look unto this foundation-stone which is laid in Zion, on which thou mayest venture to build thy eternal all! O my soul, wait till grace be crowned with glory, and till the lovely corner-stone be set upon the head of the corner! then shall I cry, Grace, grace unto it, to all eternity.