I set apart the 26th of March, 1743 for fasting and humiliation in private before God for my unsuitable carriage since He loosed my bands, and also because I intended to go to the Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper at Glasgow; the Lord gave me a sight of my sins, and being humbled in some measure, I resolved against them for the future. I enjoyed much of the divine presence in every thing that day, and my eyes were opened to read something of my interest in Christ, as being the propitiation for my sins. I found great comfort from these words: “No man cometh unto me, except the Father which hath sent me draw Him”. The Lord shewed me that I had come to Christ, and that, by virtue of His Holy Spirit drawing me. But there came some business in the way, which to all appearance seemed likely to detain me at home, therefore, I was afraid to go hither, lest the mouth of the wicked should be opened to speak evil of religion, but it pleased the Lord to order matters so, that in His providence I got full freedom to go and attend the ordinance of the Supper; I had, however, very little comfort, because of the darkness and deadness, which put me quite out of order. I stayed two days in this place after the dispensing of the ordinance, when a certain friend told me that I was rather too free in my conversation to some people about what the Lord had done for my soul, which made me afraid lest any one should make a wrong use of what I had said, and increased the distress of my mind so much that I could scarcely walk home.
Satan then began to assault me again with his horrid temptations, and said, “You have given such a wound to religion as you will never be able to repair; the longer you live the more your trouble and infamy will increase; and who can endure such a burdensome life as you now bear?” and, therefore, that I would do well to shorten my trouble by laying violent hands upon myself. He tried me with this temptation in a thousand ways, and at length would compel me to go immediately and throw myself into some pit or other. Then I cried to the Lord to rebuke the enemy, my strength having departed from me, and being no longer able to resist Him. The Lord heard, and quieted my mind a little by this consideration, namely, that I had never intended to give occasion to any evil speaking of His ways by what I said; that passage of Scripture came also into my mind: “On their part He is evil spoken of, but on your part He is glorified.” After I came home I was taught the following things from this temptation:
First—I saw that all this trouble arose from a misinformed conscience, for afterwards I got notice that none ever heard my good evil spoken of, and from this learned to inform my conscience always aright before I received a challenge from it.
Secondly—Upon due examination of my heart, I find that the dishonour God’s ways would sustain, did not so much grieve me as the discredit my own name would undergo, which made me say with Jonah, it is better for me to die than to live. Oh! what praise and thanks are due to the Lord, who did not suffer me to make an end of myself, when all my troubles sprang from this corrupt root of pride.
Thirdly—The secret pride that formerly wrought in me, was now brought to light, that I might know the seven abominations of my heart. I can say to the praise of God, that I never met with temptation since I was awakened, from which, before it left me the Lord did not make me to get some good or other. I was now humbled and brought to submission, and to justify the Lord in all His dealings with me. I was helped to act faith on that Scripture, Romans viii. 28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them who love God.” But I was so rooted in the conceit of my own will, as being the best for me, that if any thing did not come to pass in the way which I had chalked out, I could not see how I could be right. Thus I have employed my thoughts for whole days and nights together, in chalking out a way for my own happiness; but I was busy contriving my own ruin, while the Lord was bringing about my true happiness. “That which cometh into your thoughts shall not at all be” (Ezek. xx 32). I found, however, when I came to have one serious reflection, that after my imagination had gone abroad upon a thousand schemes, I had not advanced my temporal or spiritual state one hair-breadth.
Now the Lord was graciously pleased to bring all my counsels to nought, for whatever I proposed to myself, the Lord disposed as He saw proper; for not one thing which I ever proposed came to pass in the way which I expected; the Lord crossed all my inclinations in everything. His counsel and purpose stood firm, and mine came to nought. The Lord caused me to cease from my foolish imaginings, in ordering my own lot in the following way; I saw by experience, that my soul and body had been ruined, if the Lord had given me my lot in the world according to my desire. O with what sweet admiration and wonder, did I consider the particular providence exercised towards me, from my infancy till this very moment, and saw the Lord’s hand in every step of my life!
The things which in my estimation tended to ruin me for ever, were the means, though awful, whereby I was convinced of my miserable state under the first covenant, and made me flee to a better; and I was likewise convinced of the deceit of my heart, and that I had no free will of my own to do good. Sometimes when overcome with temptation, I learned to depend more upon the grace of Christ to enable me to stand. O! with what delight and comfort did I look back upon the providence that seemed to contradict the promise, when I saw the issue, and was constrained to say, that “all things work together for good to them that love God.” These cups which I thought were full of wrath and confusion I see now had nothing in them but what divine wisdom and boundless love mixed. The Lord has done all things well.
After I had considered the dark steps of providence with which I met, I could not understand their language till the event made it appear; “What I do, thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter” John xiii. 7. Then I said, O my soul, if thou canst say from experience, that God hath done all things well in times past, what reason hast thou to doubt of His providence in time to come? Then I saw that it was my unspeakable advantage to submit to the Lord’s holy and blessed will in all things, however cross they might seem to reason. Therefore I renounced my own will in every respect.
By this submission to God’s will, I enjoyed a solid and unspeakable peace of mind, which took the very sting out of trials and afflictions, and made them easy and sweet, though very grievous in themselves, and quieted my spirit anent future events. That is a comprehensive Scripture, Psalms cxix. 165 “Great peace have they indeed who submit to thy will, and nothing shall offend them.” Let the trouble be whatever God pleaseth, I am resolved in the strength of His own grace to say, there is a need-be for it, and to believe that God is the disposer of all those things, who giveth no account of His matters. “whose way is in the sea.” “He is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working.” O! it is a proper exercise to let faith be reconciling God’s providence with His promise, when they seem to contradict one another, and to behold the wondrous works of Him who is perfect in knowledge. From these considerations, I was led to see much of the evil that there is in murmuring against God, in straits, difficulties, or corrections, and how it strikes against all the divine attributes. First, against His love, as if His love would not give a better condition; and if His love would give, yet it strikes against His power, as if His power could not affect the same, etc. “Hear now, O house of Israel, is not my way equal, are not your ways unequal?” (Ezekiel xviii.25). It must sure be a great sin when it kept the children of Israel out of the land of promise, and provoked the Lord to slay them in the wilderness. After the Lord brought me to submit to His holy and righteous will, He shewed that all His perfections were engaged in my behalf, and that in a covenant way. His infinite wisdom contrived my welfare, and His boundless love bequeathed what infinite wisdom had contrived, etc. Hence, I am resolved in the strength of God’s grace, whatever lot or condition He may appoint me, that that only and no other under the whole heavens is best for me, although I had my own choice of all the conditions under the sun. And though I had all the men on earth, and all the angels in heaven to help me in making a right choice for myself, yet I saw that the present state was better than any I could make, and that it was God’s choice for me, who certainly knew what was best. “The Lord will withhold no good thing from them who walk uprightly. He will give grace and glory.”
I was now about the middle stage of life, and looked back to that day in which I was first cast upon God’s care, which I am sure was done from the womb by my parents, who early dedicated me to be the Lord’s; and viewed God’s special and common providence towards me in every step of my life; and experience obliges me to say, that the Lord hath done all things well. Again, I look forward, even as far as the valley of the shadow of death, to the swellings of Jordan, and my faith saith he will do all things well. “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” (Jer. xxix. 11). Yet a little further experience in the world, and some more knowledge of the mystery of unbelief, and other hidden wickedness of the heart, soon made me fret and murmur again.
I walked now in the light of God’s countenance, and could read God’s love to me in every providence; for these scriptures quieted my mind, “What I do, thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter.” “All things work together for good to them that love God.” I thought it was my duty in these days of plenty, to provide for the days of famine, if they should come; since I was commanded to hear for the time to come, and also to prepare for the clouds returning after the rain. I saw that it was the ordinary course of nature, that the day should succeed to the night, and the night to the day; and that seed time and harvest, winter and summer, should succeed one another, till time should be no more; then I saw that my own experience, and indeed the experience of the saints in all ages, taught me to lay my account with changes in my lot, days and nights, while I was in the body, and if I had as much faith in the new covenant, where God says, “Nevertheless my loving kindness will I never take from Him, nor suffer my faithfulness to fail,” as I had in the promise that God made to Noah after the flood concerning the seasons of the year, that I would not at all be cast down under the darkest providences. First—When I considered the course of the weather, I saw what uncertain judgement sense could form of it, as for instance, in a dark rainy day, when the heavens are overcast with clouds and storms so that neither sun nor star appears, what judgement can sense make of this, while looking to the present aspect of things? It is a mystery unknown to sense where so many clouds may be carried, so that the heavens may become clear again; yet common belief and experience taught me to look beyond the present storm, and their language was like that of Elihu’s, “And now men see not the bright light which is in the cloud; but the wind passeth and cleanseth them”. (Job xxxvii 21) Then I saw what an uncertain judgement sense could make of my state in an hour of temptation, or in a day of darkness. When all my sins, like black clouds, might be separating between my soul and the light of God’s countenance, and His just wrath hanging over my head, and, as it were, ready to fall down upon me, what sense could judgement form of such a day as this? Surely the language of it would be, how can such sins be pardoned? how can such dry bones live? how can grace dwell with a power of sin as this? how can God be just and the justifier of the like of me? and the conclusion of all would be, He hath in anger shut up His tender mercies. But I saw that faith had another kind of language, something like that of the prophet’s, “Although the fig-tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vine, etc.; yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation”. (Hab. iii 17,18).
Secondly—I saw that, in a clear morning when the sun arose, he, with his bright and shining beams, dispelled and clouds, so that the whole sky is clear and serene. In this case, my sense could not see from whence any clouds could arise. My former experience, however, of some days which were clear and bright in the morning and in the afternoon dark and rainy, taught me that such might happen. I also observed that vapours arose out of the earth, by which the air was darkened again; even a little cloud like a man’s hand, in a very short time covered the heavens with blackness (1 Kings xviii. 44) In the same way I saw that there was a time on which the Sun of Righteousness arose with His glorious beams of light upon my soul, dispelling all the darkness and mists wherein I wandered, and clearly showing me my way, so that I could not see any thing that was ever likely to make me doubt again, and that I could boldly say, “My beloved is mine and I am his.” The conclusion that sense would draw from such discoveries would unquestionably be, that “my mountain stood strong, and that I should never be moved.” Not long after this, however, I found, by experience, that some vapour or other arose from my earthly and carnal heart, which soon darkened my evidences and brought confusion again into my soul. Therefore I saw the necessity of faith, “which is the evidence of things not seen,” and judgeth not according to the present state of matters. Again, I saw, that in a dark and misty day in which the sun does not appear, sense was entirely at a loss to know whether the sun was going backward or forward, and also that it could not tell, by the dial, what o’clock it was; yet, common belief taught me that he never went backward, although I could not see his light by reason of the fogs and mists which arose from the earth. In like manner I observed that my scriptural sense was altogether at a loss, except when the Sun of Righteousness shone upon my tabernacle, and that faith believed under the darkest dispensations of providence, that God was still accomplishing His purpose toward me, which, in His own time and way, He would make manifest to my unspeakable wonder and comfort.
These considerations were some of the provisions I made against the days of famine if they should come, and oblige me to live by faith. All this was well resolved upon, but how did I perform? Certainly not so well as I promised or resolved. “And the Lord said unto me, I have heard the words of the voice of this people which they have spoken unto thee, they have well said all that they have spoken; O that there were such a heart in them that they would fear me and keep my commandments alway, that it might be well with them and with their children for ever.” This was my case, I resolved well and promised fair; but, alas, I had an “evil heart of unbelief in departing from the Living God.” whom, notwithstanding the signs and wonders He had done, I often limited as to the time to come.
The Lord saw it meet that I should be tried with the hidings of His face, that I might learn to live by faith as I had formerly resolved to do; and also that I might know more of my own heart, and truly I find new deceits in it every day, “for the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?” (Jer. xvii, 9)
I was left now to walk in darkness having no light. For sometime, however, I had to put the best construction upon the Lord’s withdrawing Himself; but, after this darkness had continued a little, I began to despond and doubt of the reality of a gracious change having been wrought upon me. There was nothing of all my former experience that offered any comfort, except some of those sweet impressions which I found in my heart when first I was made willing to accept of Christ in all His offices, being sure that I had received Christ as my wisdom, who would not suffer me to be greatly deceived.
I found the truth of that Scripture on both sides, Job xxxiv 29, “When he giveth quietness, who then can make trouble; and when he hideth his face, who then can behold him? whether it be done against a nation, or against a man only.”
I continued in deadness and darkness for the space of two months, but after that I was enabled to pour out my soul before God in prayer, spreading out all my wants and necessities before a God in Christ. My soul was also greatly comforted by that Scripture, “but my God shall supply all your need, according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” I rejoiced in this promise as one who had found great treasure, and got a fresh view of all the fulness in Christ as being suitable to supply all the needs of my soul and body, believing that there are a great many wants in my soul which were not as yet discovered to me, and undiscovered fulness in Christ to supply them all; therefore I was made to rejoice in my Redeemer, having no confidence in flesh.