Period VI—From August 1745 to December 1750 (Continued from page 70)
In the year 1745 the greater part of my relations were concerned in the rebellion, some of them fell in battle and others suffered at Carlisle*, but though the cause was bad yet I was heartily grieved and could not forgive those who, by their power and false witnesses, were instrumental in their death, and so, by degrees, I began to entertain resentment against them. The devil seeing me harbour revenge added fuel to the flame by representing the pleasure of being revenged on such persons though they were entirely out of my reach, yet the meditation thereof was now become very pleasant to me. Sometimes, conscience would fly in my face with these or the like Scriptures: “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath, for it is written, vengeance is mine, and I will repay, saith the Lord”, etc. But I could not hearken either to Scripture or to reason. Nothing would satisfy me but blood, therefore I spoke favourably of that sin though contrary both to my reason and judgment.
* One of the individuals here alluded to was Francis Buchanan of Armyprior; he had not been concerned in the enterprise of 1745 in any way. He was taken prisoner at his own house of Leny, Perthshire, and carried to Carlisle, and condemned by false witness, and hung on the 28th October, 1746, not at Carlisle, but at Penrith
I acknowledge to my own shame and to the glory of God’s patience that He bore long before He let Satan and my own heart loose upon me. But at last I was left to myself for a season as a just punishment for my sin that I might know more of the desperate wickedness of my heart, and, no doubt also, that God’s sovereign mercy might be more manifest in my recovery from those devouring depths into which I had now fallen.
The devil having once got this master-sin off his hand presented more to which I was formerly addicted, and being so far left to myself I was easily overcome and soon embraced one, and after that another till I was fast enclosed in his snare. Then I cried to the Lord to help but He would not hear, and all my prayers and fastings could not recover me out of the snares of the devil by whom I was now led captive at his will. The Lord spoke to me in my prosperity but I would not hear, and now in adversity He gave a deaf ear to all my cries when desolation encompassed me about like a whirlwind.
I might now say with Job, “God hath now delivered me to the ungodly, and turned me over into the hands of the wicked”. Satan set upon me in good earnest, drew me daily into acts of rebellion against God to the dishonour of His name, the wounding of my conscience, the grief of my sincere friends, and to the hardening of the wicked in the ways of sin. I said with Peter, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord”, and at last gave up secret prayer; for after I had been in secret lamenting my folly and madness, Satan was sure to fall upon me more furiously than ever. Then I laid it aside altogether to see what the event would be, but I was afraid to give over public prayer in my family lest religion should suffer on that account. So I kept it up in a superficial way and for this the devil never troubled me, he cared not though I had a name to live if I was really dead. And O! was it not strange that any person who had experienced so much of the love and favour of God should be so far deluded as to give over private prayer once so pleasant and comfortable?
I went where the Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper was dispensed but did not partake of the ordinance, believing that it would only increase my guilt.
While I was in this case I ventured once or twice to the Lord’s table, but the devil set upon me afterwards in such a manner that I was like to tear myself in pieces. But some discerning Christians began to discover my hypocrisy through the mask I had put on. Oh the hell I carried in my bosom! Wherever I went the dreadful sound of damnation was still in my ears. I could compare myself to nothing but the ground that brought forth briars and thorns, “which was rejected and nigh unto cursing, whose end was to be burnt”. O! how did all these Scriptures which speak of the dreadful state of apostates rend my soul to pieces. The sixth and tenth chapters of the Hebrews would now and then fall like a millstone upon me and cut any thread of hope that remained. O the amazing and soul-sinking horrors which I underwent! They would even make my blood run chill in my veins and cause a weakness to seize upon my whole body inasmuch that I could scarcely stand upon my feet. Sometimes I would toss and tumble like a wild bull in a net, being full of the fury of the Lord and of the rebuke of my God, and thereupon curse the day wherein I was born. O that I had gone from the womb to the grave and that no eye had seen me!
What tongue can describe the case of my soul which was once lifted up as it were to heaven and now must be thrust down to hell. Sometimes I thought that a man might fall totally and finally from a state of grace. Yet the Scriptures being so full and plain against this opinion I could not receive it.
Again, when I found Satan coming upon me as a lion for his prey, I thought that his roaring might proceed from his jealousy that, as yet, I was not wholly his own, otherwise that he would never tempt and torture me in such a manner.
I likewise thought that the devil understood well enough the difference between seeming and real conversion, and that he knew well when once a person was savingly converted that he was forever out of his reach, yet that his malice was such as to torment that person as much as possible. So that the devil needed not use such variety of temptations to draw me into more acts of rebellion against God if he was not afraid of losing me at last. But again I thought that he was not so sure of any person while life lasted, but they might escape him at last through the mercy of God in Christ. And therefore I thought that his whole drift was to lead me into such acts of rebellion as would finish sin, and so sin of itself might bring forth death either by causing me to lay violent hands on myself or to commit the unpardonable sin.
I thought that there might be some invisible restraint upon him, otherwise that I would have been devoured before now. But this consideration was soon crushed by another, namely, that God would not destroy the Amorites before their time was wholly come or their iniquity was full, so any restraint put upon Satan was the same; and that when my iniquity was full, down I must go to the lowest hell. Oh! how did this thought rack my soul to pieces and all my strivings against sin and Satan served only to make my bands faster and firmer.
By whom could I be now comforted or what sun could shine upon me, since I believed that the Sun of Righteousness was set never to arise upon me any more with healing under His wings? What though I should gain a whole world, what would that avail to a lost soul or an awakened stinging conscience? It appeared that I had lost my integrity, my faith, my hope, my comfort, and all my mercies were turned into miseries, so that I could take pleasure in nothing under the sun. Insulting devils triumphing over my misery and upbraiding me with folly and madness, enslaving corruptions in all the faculties of my soul and members of my body made me more and more like the image of Satan every day.
I might now say, with Saul, “I am sore displeased, for the Philistines make war upon me, and God is departed from me and answereth me no more”, etc. Every sentence of this lamentation carries a hell in its bosom. Oh! I was sore displeased indeed; the devil and my own sins made war against me; God was departed from me and answered me no more, neither by His word nor Spirit. He hath sealed the ordinance of His grace and will not hear me, though I cry by prayers, tears and fastings. Alas! I who had that Scripture sounding in my ears so often—”Be instructed, O Jerusalem, lest my soul depart from thee” (Jer. 6, v. 8). But I refused to hear, therefore was made to feel another: “Yea, woe also unto them when I depart from them.” It was more than one woe that came when God departed from me. My whole case resembled the roll that was written within and without, full of lamentation, mourning, and woe.
It was once my greatest joy and comfort to meditate upon a reconciled God in Christ, but now became my greatest terror. I could once read, hear, and believe these Scriptures, Isaiah 51, v. 12, “I, even I, am he who comforteth you, who art thou then that thou shouldst be afraid? If God be for us, who can be against us?” But now I could read nothing, but “if God be against me, who can be for me?”
What Christian can hear of my dismal case and not tremble. Yet this was my situation from August 1748 to July 1750. It was, is and shall be a wonder to me in what way my soul was held in life during these two last years, or how any spark of grace was left without being drowned by the enemies’ coming in like a flood into my soul; and yet I found my soul every now and then groaning for deliverance, saying “O, Lord, I am oppressed, undertake for me”. Sometimes I would turn my thoughts to that Scripture, “A bruised reed will He not break, and the smoking flax will He not quench”, etc.
I thought if ever there was a bruised reed that I was one, and then I would examine to see if I could find anything like grace; though I could not find a live coal, yet if I could find as much or anything that might shew my being within the Mediator’s office or among them whom He would not quench, but cherish their smoke into a flame, it would be comfort to me.
I would give the whole world if I had it that my soul could get hold of a free promise again, for I thought that I had sinned myself out of all the promises of the New Testament.
One thing, I observe, and that is: that notwithstanding all that Satan could do to stupify my conscience it retained a quick feeling of the least sin and my understanding remained clear, so that I was capable of drawing wholesome instructions from God’s word in reference to my case, but could make no application. I could comfort others but not myself, and then would groan under a sense of my unsanctified knowledge, saying, “Why is light given to man whose way is hid and whom God hath hedged in?” I was afraid of nothing in the world so much as apostacy and now my fears were come upon me, and to whom of the saints could I turn?
Peep of Day
Errata: page 9 at bottom for “pp. 116, 221” read “pp. 71, 134”.