We have pleasure in submitting to our readers the following sketch of religious experience and diary of the late Mr A. R. Coltart, a native of Kirkcudbrightshire, in the south of Scotland. He was the youngest of a large family. The father attended the Church of Scotland, and the mother was a pious and steadfast Cameronian, a member of the R. P. Church. Another son was the late Mr John Coltart, a member of whose family in Glasgow, has kindly placed these writings at our disposal. Alexander lived as a farmer at North Glen, Buitle, in Kirkcudbright, and died there on 19th February, 1877, in his fifty-seventh year. We learn that he was a man of considerable intelligence, but of a quiet humble life. When asked during his later years to leave his home and stay in another part of the country, he refused for the reason that almost every spot near where he dwelt was dear to him by spiritual associations, having enjoyed in these places the Lord’s gracious presence.
FIRST RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
The first time I had any serious thoughts of religion was in the month of May, 1837, when, considering myself under the curse of the law of God, a consideration which was very painful for several days, I tried to console myself thus:— There are thousands of persons who have as much cause for alarm as I have, who are, for all that, happy, cheerful, and respected. But I could obtain no rest from this comparison, as I concluded that they must all know of some way of escape (which I could not find out), which accounted for the appearance of happiness they seemed to enjoy. Meanwhile, my own uneasiness went on increasing, until I looked on myself as one for whom there was no Saviour. I would gladly have joined the company of any thoughtless, careless persons to escape from my own thoughts, and stifle the pain and horror I felt. But, when alone, the dreadful reality of my case was presented before me with additional frightfulness. I prayed, read, and thought anxiously to find a way to end the misery I endured, but without any success. Nothing but galling agony seemed to be my lot, until, one Sabbath afternoon, my suffering was so extreme, that the sweat broke out over my body, and I went out of the house, and entered into a plantation, and prayed long to God for relief, but no comfort or abatement came. All the means I had tried and could think of, having failed, I thought I would leave all care of obtaining salvation for myself to Christ, trusting that, if there was any mercy for me, He would procure it, and I ended my prayer by saying, “I deliver all into Thy hands, Lord Jesus.” This I was enabled to do with my whole heart, and upon which, at the very instant of time, ere even I could move out of the position I was in, I felt through my whole being that I was entirely discharged from guilt. The assurance of this was intensified so that no shadow of a doubt remained, being filled with joy and gladness, peace, calm and serene, together with breaking of heart, and the purest love and gratitude to the Lord Jesus for what he had done, in giving me this strange, wonderful, and complete deliverance, every way so glorious and excellent.
This frame of mind continued several days, subject to a gradual abatement, until I soon sank into an easy security, and instead of following on to know the Lord, I became indolent, and allowed my mind to wander after vain thoughts, and to entertain curious ideas of my late condition, and became gross and presumptuous in prayer, and confused in mind. I could not attain to anything like clearness of understanding. Besides, strange, unholy thoughts of God passed through my mind, which I could not make to cease. I became much excited, and the harder I tried to suppress them, the more frequent they grew, and the more horrid they became, and were suggested with a quickness that astonished me. It appeared as if I were blaspheming God, I thought He had forsaken me, and I became desperate, thinking God could not pardon such wickedness. And for many a day I thought I had committed the unpardonable sin, being so highly favoured lately by the grace of God, and now to fall into such wickedness. I saw my heart to be unclean, and most terribly wicked. Its corruptions were of the most horrible and loathsome description, and being, as I thought, guilty of the sin against the Holy Ghost, I dare not apply for pardon.
It was no little concern to me as to how I should spend the remainder of my life in this state of mind, and now I knew the worst. There was still a ray of hope left for this life to make it tolerable. I was all the time conscious of entertaining a secret love and gratitude to Jesus Christ, and I resolved that, for what He had done for me, I would, whenever an opportunity offered, do all I could for His cause, and for those I took to be His servants. With this idea, came the first joy I have experienced for about four weeks. It seemed quite inconsistent that I could be guilty of the unpardonable sin, and yet love Christ or His people. Reasoning from this, I became satisfied that I had not committed that awful sin. With a mind freed from that dreadful apprehension, with gladness of heart, I sought after truth, and was in some measure successful, experiencing great joy in the assurance of being in a reconciled state with God. But I could not abide in this happy state, as my mind was long racked and tossed about continually. I was unable to keep in that calm temper which is essentially necessary to the growth of grace in the heart, and soon again fell into confusion and perplexity. My heart, I thought, was still unchanged, and I began to doubt and at last to conclude that all my late views of being in a reconciled state with God were a delusion of the devil. Despondency and horror again closed over me, and I saw plainly I could do nothing whatever to free myself; all my reasoning and planning for that purpose were perfectly useless and fruitless. I, as it were, waited to see the end of this condition of mind which seemed to become more disordered the more I tried to clear it. In a few days my understanding became clearer, and a serene and healthy state ensued, and I was made to understand God’s plan of salvation, and the near and glorious relation the believer stands in to Him, in virtue of what Christ has done, and that the Holy Spirit alone must apply His merits, and work out every operation of grace given by God the Father. With joy unspeakable I experienced the noble support derivable from a holy trust in God.
Of this I am as sure as I am of my existence that God really was present in His special grace to my soul, and that He does communicate grace, and that His grace is distinctly and clearly seen, and so infinitely above anything I have ever attained to by my own power, as to leave comparison out of the question. Whether I look on Him as a teacher, a comforter, or a convincer, the Spirit, the great worker, is almighty. The terror and dismay He can bring on the soul is far beyond that arising from all other causes. The consolations He works are also infinitely more sweet and joyous than those which can possibly arise from all other things. His teachings assures and makes plain in an infinitely more perfect way any instruction coming through the senses.
I must never, under any circumstances, allow myself to doubt the reality and truth of God’s dealings with my soul. If in course of time I may be weak enough to listen to those who may write or speak as unbelievers, let their arguments be never so plausibly and imposingly advanced, or if ever in despondency of spirits, or in whatever condition or circumstances I may be placed, I may always look back to what I have experienced, and be assured of God’s mercy, and never forget that Jesus Christ did all for me, and always remember that it was by trusting Him with all that I found peace and joy. Union with Christ is a work of the Holy Spirit of so mysterious a nature that none but those who have tasted or found it can understand it. When the soul can cast all on Him, trust all to Him, and abide in Him, then does it realise the blessed condition of being united to Him in that high state of grace. The prayers we offer are His prayers then faith becomes very strong, and the words seem drawn away to God Christ fills all, and is all to the soul. The members of the body seem His, a part of Him, and it is shown that He is honoured or dishonoured according as they are kept pure or impure. Our hands being His we dare not do evil.
There seems to be a stamp, an impression of joy, a sweetness felt, even to the taste, lingering, as it were, about me (except in those periods when I have shamefully backslidden from God, neglecting and almost forgetting Him, for such is my base ingratitude), since the first great joyfulness and gladness felt at the discovery of God’s mercy. Those sweet, joyful, short, teaching impulses visit me from time to time, sometimes consoling, approving or recalling the mind, but always gladdening and pointing to Jesus Christ. Can this be the unction spoken of in 1 John 2: 20-27.
DIARY
August, 1859. — God is able to make the soul, which He enables to trust in Him, perfectly happy. His goodness at this time is so revealed to me that Christ’s Spirit is, as it were, around and within my soul manifesting His loving-kindness to such a degree that nothing is left to desire or wish for besides. All within seems part of Himself. Joy, gladness, and love to Him, permeates my being. My own thoughts convey instruction to me making an impression strong, clear, elevating, and with such prevailing force as abundantly to assure me of the presence of the Lord Jesus, conveying to my mind such promises as these — “Fear not, for I am with thee, I will uphold thee; I am thy strength, thy guardian. Why hast thou distressed thyself about this matter, and art cast down? Behold I can fill thy heart and soul with joys and comforts infinitely better and greater than all the world can give. Fear nothing that the world can do. Have not I made it, and do I not still uphold all things? Abide in me and I will give thee strength and peace of mind which nothing can impair or take away. It will defend thee against all these evils which have vexed thee. Always trust in me, and nothing will annoy. Learn that I am thy strength. Rest in me continually, and you shall have abundant peace and joy. This is abiding in me. Lo! I now sustain and comfort, and will lead thee and teach thee to pray in my name. Be of good courage, for it is I who rule all things.”
September 27th — Today the consciousness of being in a reconciled state with God, and seeing the merits of Christ to be my own and the assurance that through Him my prayers are heard, doth fill my soul with joy so sweet that it tells in a sensible manner on my feelings, cheering and brightening all that my eyes do look upon. O! the wondrous joy that is felt in realising Christ’s work and merits to be mine. This view is most surely the work of His Spirit. Suddenly began a singularly sweet spirit conveying those noble impulses which enable me from my whole heart to forgive and to love all my fellow-creatures. But this is easy to one who is conscious of the favour of God. The affronts and offences of the world are this day nothing to me, for enjoying those draughts of God’s loving-kindness, all joys and sorrows of the world sink into insignificance.
22nd. — The same satisfying, gladdening influence is still present, leaving the divine stamp of Christ’s spirit on all my thoughts and conceptions. To love Christ, and to believe in Christ seem to be heaven itself. It is abiding in Him, it is walking with Him.
30th. — Oh, I have to lament the commission of another sin, and have used His goodness and tender mercy so ill as to do that which He has forbidden and contrary to the motives and late teachings of His good Spirit. Not against His law so much is the evil, as foul ingratitude to my gracious Redeemer. Strange thing, that after a season of much spiritual enjoyment I should be so weak. I am poor, vile, and wretched, and unless I live entirely by Christ’s strength I cannot stand. Oh, Lord, take away my sin and impurity for Thine own name’s sake!
— F.P. Mag. Vol. II