Robert Findlater
Tuesday, October 16. Great and manifold are the mercies and loving-kindness of God to us, that He has not mingled our blood with our sacrifices, but that, in His infinite mercy, He has still spared us as living monuments of His longsuffering and forbearance. Yesterday He gave us another opportunity of meeting in His house of prayer. I heard Dr Davidson preach from 1 Peter 2:21: “For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us,
1An edited extract from Findlater’s diary for 1804, as recorded in his Memoir. It was shortly after he had made a profession of faith, when he was studying in Edinburgh. (For more about Findlater, see last month’s Magazine).
leaving us an example, that ye should follow His steps”; in which he showed in what respects the followers of Christ ought to imitate His example: (1.) In obedience to His Father’s will, (2.) In love to His Father, (3.) In His devotion, (4.) In His trust, His faith, (5.) In His resignation to Him. This morning found myself delighting in the ways of God, but before evening was careless and remiss. O how unstable is man, and how unable as much as to think a good thought, and what need of applying daily to the throne of grace: for grace, strength and support to carry us on in the ways of righteousness!
Thursday, October 18. Found myself very dead and lifeless this morning. When I awoke, found my thoughts entirely set on everything except Christ, upon whom alone I should meditate. The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it? O how impossible it is to command as much as one single good thought; and yet how much matter there is in the Scriptures to think of – the mercy of God, the love of Christ, etc. O how remiss I have been in my duty this day! How little I have done for my own improvement! What preparation this day for the important office of the ministry? How imprudently I have spent my time! How unconscientious I have been before God, whom I profess to serve; and how little impressed with the strong engagement I have come under to be the Lord’s! Teach me, O Lord, the way of Thy commandments, then will I walk in them, and so do Thy will.
Friday, October 19. Upon reviewing this day, what reason I have to be humbled before God for all my sins and provocations against Him! How inconsistent with the professions I made at the Lord’s table on Sabbath, that henceforth I would devote myself, my time, my talents, my all to His service. But instead of performing these obligations, I slept so long in bed that the time for devotion was over before I got up. And even after getting up, how little moved, or impressed with my carelessness and unconcernedness! How little time spent in study or in preparation for the important office of the ministry! O that I had resolution to go on in the ways of God, and be directed according to the rule of His Word! In the evening, on seeing Mr Colquhoun, I was stirred up and found myself willing, in some measure, to go on in my studies. O for grace to make us assiduous in the work, while it is called today, and while I enjoy health and opportunity.
Saturday, October 20. On reviewing the week past, what reason I have to adore – for the mercies of God to me, who am less than the least of all the objects of His mercy, and how great is His long-suffering patience and tender mercies in spite of all our provocation. O what reason have I to be humbled for my sins, for my shortcomings, and for remissness in the duties of my calling. But blessed be His name, that He causes His face to shine on my heart.
In the Society2 I had great liberty in prayer, and found some zeal (if I may call it so) rising in my mind for the glory of God; and that when I am a preacher, I would be assiduous in showing sinners the way of salvation.
Saturday, October 27. Upon reviewing this past week, I have the greatest reason that ever I had to be humbled in the sight of God for all my sins; for they are more aggravated now than what they were formerly; because at the holy table of the Lord I renounced all my sins, and resolved to be the Lord’s for evermore. How guilty I have been of that great evil, the misspending of time, besides unconcernedness for the important office to which I aspire and the things of eternity! O that I might consider, in such times, the shortness and uncertainty of time here and the importance of being savingly united to Christ, when all other comforts fail; likewise the dangerous state those are in who are found unprepared when the Son of Man comes as a thief in the night. O how dead, how carnal, how indifferent to spiritual things is the heart of man! It is a confirmation of the truth that “the carnal mind receiveth not the things of the Spirit”. How unprepared for any duty! How much less for eternity! O Lord, cause Thy face to shine upon me, so shall I rejoice in Thy salvation.
Lord’s Day, October 28. This morning lay in bed too long; so, on that account, the devotions of the morning were hurried over; and no wonder that I did not find myself so lively or so earnest for the gospel of Christ. I always find that, the less time I give to devotion, the less pleasure I have in going through other religious duties to which I may be called. In the afternoon heard Dr Davidson preach on Matthew 21:37, the last sermon of three on the guilt and danger of lack of reverence to the Son of God; but how little I was impressed with the solemn truths of the Word of God! But in intimating the sacrament, and in the exhortation he gave at the time, I was a little stirred up, and was somewhat more impressed with a sense of divine things. Found a pleasure and delight arising in my mind from the near prospect of sitting down at the table of the Lord, and renewing my covenant with Him.
Blessed be His name for the many privileges and blessings we enjoy of worshipping God and of drawing near unto Him. O to be duly impressed with the importance of the duty of obeying the dying command of our once-crucified but now-exalted Saviour! O Lord, I will bless Thy name; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. Found some pleasure in the evening in teaching the young ones in Mrs Colquhoun’s school at Leith, when I considered the happiness they would have if the Lord would open their young minds to understand the truths of the gospel. O to be humbled for our weaknesses and shortcomings – yes, for our very best services!
2A prayer meeting at the Orphan Hospital.
Saturday, November 10. On the review of my conduct, since I resigned myself to God at His table, what great reason I have to be humbled for my shortcomings in the performance of the vows which I had taken at His table. How much time misspent. How little impressed with the truths of the gospel, and how (very often) hypocritical and formal in my duties! But O how great is the mercy of God to me that, notwithstanding my unworthiness and unthankfulness, He is daily following me with His goodness, and is giving the near prospect of sitting at His table tomorrow.
On Thursday, the day set apart for humiliation and prayer, I was not in a proper frame, did not find in my mind any deep impression of the evil of sin and of my own wicked ways. The former part of this day I was in the same situation till I went to church and heard Mr Bonar of Cramond preach from Psalm 37:3,4, in which he explained the nature of the exhortation and the promise annexed to the performance of the duty. Delighting in God implied: (1.) Reconciliation, (2.) Looking for comfort in no earthly thing but in God, (3.) An acquiescence in His ways and providences, (4.) A love and pleasure in the ordinances of His word. I found my desires going out after Christ, and felt some comfort and delight in the prospect of sitting down at His table tomorrow. At family prayer I found myself formal, and more of a desire to show my religion than to ask mercy from God. O Lord, pardon my unworthiness and sins, and give me the disposition of Thy children. And may I give myself up to Thee afresh tomorrow with great comfort and pleasure, and may I find that Thou art my God, my salvation and my desire.