John Newton
I wish not to be influenced by a principle of self on any occasion; yet this evil I often do. I see the baseness and absurdity of such conduct as clearly as I see the light of the day. I do not aspire to be thought ten feet high, and I know that a desire of being thought wise or good is equally contrary to reason and truth. I should be grieved or angry if my fellow-creatures supposed I had such a desire; and therefore I fear the very principle of self, of which I complain, has a considerable share in prompting my desires to conceal it. The pride of others often offends me, and makes me studious to hide my own, because their good opinion of me depends much upon their not perceiving it. But the Lord knows how this dead fly taints and spoils my best services, and makes them no better than plausible sins.
I wish not to indulge vain reasonings concerning the counsels, ways, and providences of God; yet I am prone to do so. That the Judge of all the earth will do right is to me as evident and necessary as that two and two make four. I believe that He has a sovereign right to do what He will with His own, and that this sovereignty is but another name for the unlimited exercise of wisdom and goodness. But my reasonings are often such as if I had never heard of these principles, or had formally renounced them. I feel the workings of a presumptuous spirit that would account for everything and venture to dispute whatever it cannot comprehend. What an evil is this, for a potsherd of the earth to contend with its Maker! I do not act thus towards my fellow creatures; I do not find fault with the decisions of a judge or the dispositions of a general, because, though I know they are fallible, I suppose they are wiser in their respective spheres than myself. But I am often ready to take this liberty when it is most unreasonable and inexcusable.
I wish not to cleave to a covenant of works: it should seem from the foregoing matters, and many others which I could mention, that I have reasons enough to deter me from this. Yet I do even this. I say (and I hope from my heart), Enter not into judgment with Thy servant, O Lord. I embrace it as a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptance, that Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners; and it is the main pleasure and business of my life to set forth the necessity and all-sufficiency of the Mediator between God and man, and to make mention of His righteousness, even of His only.
But here, as in everything else, I find a vast difference between my judgement and my experience. I am invited to take the water of life freely, yet I am often discouraged because I have nothing wherewith to pay for it. If I am at times favoured with some liberty from the evils mentioned above, it rather gives me a more favourable opinion of myself than increases my admiration of the Lord’s goodness to so unworthy a creature. And when the returning tide of my corruptions convinces me that I am still the same, an unbelieving legal spirit would urge me to conclude that the Lord has changed. At least, I feel a weariness of being indebted to Him for such continued, multiplied forgiveness; and I fear that some part of my striving against sin, and my desires after an increase of sanctification, arises from a secret wish that I might not be so absolutely and entirely indebted to Him.
1 An extract from one of Newton’s letters. It is taken, with editing, from Newton’s Works, vol 1 (1985 Banner of Truth reprint).