Mary Winslow
26 July 1828. Awoke with distressing thoughts about —. As soon as I was up, I dropped upon my knees before the Lord; and without preparing my mind for prayer, as some are enabled to do, I brought my need directly before Him. My heart was troubled, and I told it to the Lord. I did plead with many tears that, as He had given His Son to die for me, He would not with-
1Taken, with slight editing, from Life in Jesus: A Memoir of Mrs Mary Winslow. Copious extracts are given from her diary, from which this is an extract. She lived from 1774 to 1854 and was noted for her godliness. She was the mother of Octavius Winslow, several of whose books have been reprinted during the last 60 years; he wrote his mother’s life.
hold the lesser blessing, and impart to — all that grace he so much needed to preserve him from the ten thousand snares that Satan would lay for his unguarded feet. This is the only way I can get on. When trials press upon my mind I must arise and carry them to God. To whom else can I go? I would not often tell the dearest friend in the world what passes in my mind; but I can disclose it all to Jesus! I can and do unbosom myself to Him whose compassions fail not, and who remembers I am but dust; yet pities and loves me better than I love myself. Had much more comfort and openness in prayer in the family last night. Felt the Lord very near, and eternal things all-important.
August 2. Yesterday was dear — ‘s birthday. I felt happy at the birth of my son, but that happiness was trifling, although all that a fond mother could feel, in comparison to what my heart experienced at the hour of his spiritual birth. I truly did travail for him a second time, that Christ might be revealed within him the hope of glory. O the gladness of that moment! Angels united in a mother’s joy. The Church below, the Church above — all, all rejoiced; and Christ was well pleased to see the travail of His soul. May He, who then made Himself known to him as his Redeemer, be graciously pleased to pour into his heart the rich blessing of His grace, and fit and qualify him for great usefulness in His blessed cause. Give him, O Lord, humbleness of spirit, and stamp Thine image deep within his inmost soul.
I increasingly feel that this is not my rest; it is polluted. Go where he may, rest where he will, trials and crosses await the Christian. O for faith — a constant, abiding faith that keeps a steady eye within the veil, where our tempted, tried and afflicted Saviour, now triumphant Conqueror, is seated and ever lives to make intercession for His dear people, who are following His footsteps! What a sore trial is the working of pride within the heart! I have had to conflict with this enemy of late, which I had almost thought was quite gone.
Heard an excellent sermon from the Lord’s sent servant, Mr Evans, from the words, “Tell me, O Thou whom my soul loveth, where Thou feedest . . .”. He was, as usual, most sweetly experimental. It was chiefly to the church, though he did not forgot to address sinners.
Have had much exercise of mind and deep searchings of heart. Some new lesson in the school of Christ is daily — no, hourly — to be learned; some hidden evil to be felt; some new enemy to be encountered; some fresh, precious views of Jesus to be obtained. O how lovely, how good — exceeding good — is Jesus Christ to unworthy me! He is enough to satisfy my soul. When disappointed in what is created and I turn with a sickening feeling from the world to Christ, I find here no disappointment; here is fulness of joy, an ocean of love, a heart to feel and sympathise, an eye to pity, and a power,
an infinite power, to supply all my needs, to comfort my drooping spirits, to refresh my fainting heart, and fill me with joy and peace in believing. Jesus is an all-satisfying portion, and He is thy portion, O my soul.
Had an interview yesterday with Mr Evans. I pray the Lord to bless it. In the evening went where I need not have gone, and found the conversation of some professing Christians a great snare to my soul. Have need to pray. O Lord, not only lead me not into temptation, but hedge up my way, though with thorns and briers, that I go not into it. O the sad levity and trifling of some, even of the ministers of Christ! I am aware of the same evil in myself, and by those things lay up material for bitter repentance. On my return home, had to go to the Lord for fresh pardon, humbled in the dust. But, for ever blessed and adored be His name, to me He is love. I feel today a sweet tenderness of spirit; and while reading in the family, my heart was drawn out by faith to Christ and could not but speak of Him to my children.
Mr —, a professed minister of the gospel, has been here and has just left with — to see —. I wonder what business a man, declaring himself sent of God to lead poor sinners to Christ, has to do with the sights and shows of this perishing world. How can he exhort his flock to live above the world and all its vanities, while he himself is going after them?
As good Mr — says, it is our duty to have our eyes shut and our ears stopped to everything that is not a step in that ladder that reaches from earth to heaven. I cannot understand some Christians, and they do not understand me. I may be wrong; but when I read, “Come out from among them, and be ye separate”; “Love not the world, nor the things that are in the world”; and many other such solemn exhortations, with so many exceeding great and precious promises to the overcoming Christian, I am satisfied of the way a believer in Christ should walk, and have only to regret I so often wander from it myself. Dear Saviour, keep me near, very near Thy blessed self. Shelter me under Thine almighty, protecting wing, till the storm of life is past. And O, in infinite mercy, remember the dear lambs of the flock, and suffer them not to wander from Thee. Let them feel their own weakness and take hold of Thy strength.
Feeble in body, but very happy in the Lord, a sweet, contented, childlike spirit, looking upward and feeling, as well as knowing, that God is good. His name, to my soul, is Love. Had a delightful open view, as it were, while engaged in family prayer, of the glorious work of the all-sufficient atonement and sacrifice of the Son of God. Tears flowed while I thanked my God, and my children’s God, for this most precious covenant of grace, for my interest in it, and the sweet assurance I have that some of them also have an interest in it. Blessed, for ever blessed, be His most precious name.
I am not well, and this tabernacle seems daily to decay. Be it so; it shall be raised again at the last day, fashioned like unto His glorious body. Christ’s own resurrection is the earnest given, and I know that my Redeemer liveth to fulfil His engagement. My soul rejoiceth in Christ my Saviour. Often the enemy whispers to me – when I feel a holy nearness to Jesus and my soul is very happy – that some trial is near at hand. Lord, I desire to trust in Thee, in whom is all my hope and my salvation. My children are Thy children. Blessed be Thy name for that. Help me to say, Thy will, not mine, be done. I cannot do this without the special influence of Thy Spirit.
September 1. Took possession of my pew yesterday at John Street. May the Lord, in His rich mercy, make this step a blessing to me and to my children. “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.” Had to contend, while in the house of God, with a wandering spirit; felt it impossible to keep my mind stayed upon the precious truths I heard, or attempted to hear. O how the world, with all its cares, crowds upon the poor pilgrim, even in his most solemn moments! He would fain say, Abide here, and I “will go yonder and worship”. What a mercy that we have a faithful High Priest at the right hand of the Majesty on high, to make intercession for all – all our manifold shortcomings, sins and transgressions.
Rev Mr W—called this morning, and mentioned that, after an unsuccessful attempt to obtain a curacy, he received a letter from his wife, saying that she had discovered that a servant had robbed them, and that she had decided to dismiss her. Mr W—wrote to say that she had better keep her for the present, as he did not have the money to pay her the wages due to her. A few days after, he returned home and found his family much tried by the girl, who had refused to remain and had gone to a neighbour’s alleging, as a reason for leaving, that she would not be paid for her services. In addition to this trial, a bill came from a tradesman, demanding immediate payment. They had no money. Mr W—felt his character as a minister was at stake in a village where everything was soon known from house to house.
In this dilemma and distress they knelt down and laid their case before the Lord. In the morning the postman brought a letter. On opening it, it was found to contain a £10 note in a blank cover. This paid all demands and left a surplus on hand. O that men would praise the Lord for His goodness to the children of men! He came to relate to me this remarkable providence. My heart felt refreshed and my faith strengthened by this sweet manifestation of God’s kind remembrance of his poor servant. It is good to walk by faith; to feel dependent for all and to come to Him as little children for all we need.
September 5. Find that many of my difficulties and trials – I dare not call them afflictions – arise from quarters where one least expected them. O Lord,
help me more and more to cease from man, whose breath is in his nostrils, and to expect nothing but evil from an evil world. Yet these are but little trials after all. They do not wring the heart; they may grieve and wound, but nothing more. I think I know what afflictions are – yes, the deep waters of affliction too. Bereaving providences: the joy of my heart, the companion of my youth, the father of my children, cut down as with a stroke! Dwelling in a strange land, surrounded by a helpless young family, the enemy suffered to buffet my almost-defenceless soul, the very foundations of my faith trembling beneath this flood of tribulation – these are afflictions! I was in the furnace, but the Lord stood by. Since then I have been enabled, upon my knees, amidst floods of grateful tears, to thank Him for those very afflictions that I then thought would bring me to nothing.
September 8. Have much cause to be humbled. Why does every little disappointment affect me so much? I feel truly I am a sinful creature, unable of myself to think a good thought. Never, never did sin appear so hateful, and my own nothingness so great, as yesterday at the table of the Lord. Felt something of a broken heart. I wept much, but still my hope was in the Lord, and did look up, like the wounded Israelites, to the cross of Christ. Lord, my help is alone from Thee. Strengthen me with might in the inner man, and let not my enemies prevail against me. O the hidden evil of the heart, unknown and unfelt, until the Spirit of Christ sees fit to reveal the depths of iniquity that are there. It is a sickening view; and were it not that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, I should lie down in utter despair.
September 18. How has my heart been pained today from what it has felt of evil within! How much I often discover contrary to the Holy Spirit of Christ! Today has been one of sore conflict – the spirit lusting against the flesh, and the flesh lusting against the spirit; so that I have been obliged again and again to cry to the Lord for help from on high. Nothing but the precious blood of Christ can wash this guilt away. How soon I was ruffled today! And now could weep – yes, and do weep and shall weep – for it. Lord, forgive me for Jesus’ sake. O for a sanctified heart! Lord undertake for Thy unworthy creature and come not into judgement with me. Look upon me in the face of Thy dear Son, and when Thou lookest, forgive.
Account no sin little; Satan will tell you such a sin is a little sin, that thereby he may induce you to the commission of greater. But whatever some sins may be, considered comparatively, yet no sin, absolutely viewed, is little. Mind, O mind, there is no little God to be offended; no little law to be transgressed; no little hell to be punished in. And ponder this: that he who makes no conscience of avoiding these sins, which are less than others, will, if mercy prevent not, come at the length to make conscience of no sin.
Robert Shirra